ashes and cigarette smoke.

i ate all three bags of my sour patch kids in one sitting.

i feel dry.

and i know its my fault.

i am twenty years old and forget to eat the right things, take my vitamins and drink water.

i am twenty years old and i forget who i belong to.

it starts out as a feeling. a feeling of free and young and wild, but not the bad wild. your running and spinning and savoring each and every piece of life. your making choices and choosing decisions and your spinning and life is spinning. the world is at your fingertips and your not taking too much time to think about too much.

but pretty soon the spinning stops. and the sweet gasps of new turn into the mundane. and you keep coasting. until, the gas in your car runs out. and all the life you just experienced without pausing, is now the hand slapping you in the face.

i am twenty years old and the fire in my heart is now down to embers.

and it's a place i have never been before. and it's a ditch i'm trying to dig myself out of. and it's a hand creeping out of my heart, reaching for something to believe in. and it's a hunger felt more in my soul, than in my actual body.

i boxed my abba in pretty good inside the cage of what i would get around to thinking about next.

and now its next, and all i long is to feel the love of the creator's arms wrapped around me.

all i  have to do is give the paintbrush back to him. he is the picasso to my bare march.

i am twenty years old and i do not know how to let give.

menameno

there are somethings that are way more important than exams or textbooks.
and as i creep into my graduating semesters at lee, i am beginning to know this to be true.

my room is in complete dis-er-a (sp?). my orange, 70s inspired reading chair is now nothing more than a secondary closet and make-up station. near the closet are the ten pairs of shoes i changed in and out of this week due to them all being in a constant state of soggy. and on my floor are the remainders from last wednesday's art therapy.

i love living like this. mess shows life. it shows that something happened here and i love that. i adore those houses with comfy, faded sofas and menageries of lifetime photos. within five minutes, you can feel that somebody loved here. and somebody cared here. and somebody lived here. i will choose these types of scenery way before i choose the polished walls of a suburban mansion.

i should be delving into my communication research books, but instead i am blogging. and thinking. and remembering. and knowing that the conversations i had with my roommates tonight will endure time's jagged punches. and the smoothie i had for dinner will keep me satisfied far into tomorrow afternoon. and after college is over, the books and the studies and the teachers and the papers will not matter one bit. it will be the funnies and the park days and the artwork and the hilariously dramatic journal entries and the boyfriend and the girlfriends and the poems and the americano therapy sessions that i try to tug into my pocket.

somethings are more important than academics.
four more mondays of school.
im not that young,
but im not through yet.

today's band is the lemonheads.
because kate moss and liv tyler sing on their new record entitled, "varshons".
and who doesnt want to hear those two try to belt it out to the lemonheads dirty rumbles?

today's website is www.umbrellatoday.com.
because it seems to be constantly raining, and this nifty website will give you a nice little text every morning its raining so you can prepare for the torterous rainboots and umbrellas. how tweet of them.

today's artist is botticelli. because sometimes its good to look at the past. and his springtime portrait is enough to get the most fall-prone child in the world excited about the coming months. and hello? im going to italy, his home in about one month. hollllaaaa.


and today's quoute is by the infamous edgar allan poe, "those who dream in the day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night." hmmm think about it.

and now my day must start. loves and creates.

chelsea.

corporate america but not so corporate

forever 21 is such a grand concept isn't it? provide shopaholics everywhere with discounted clothes that will fall apart in two weeks but keep you out of debt and looking cute til the next paycheck.
except for the flaw that they are so cluttered and disorganized it will take years for you to find what your looking for. and by the time you make it through the oblivious employees to the dressing room, you are in intense need of a serta mattress and a white wine spritzer.
i hate corporate america.
for its cloning techniques and its constant headache giving to my body.
"popular culture is a contradiction of terms. if something is popular, its not culture"-
-vivienne westwood.

which is probably why the idea of working for a corporation gives me the shakes. my adolescent dreams of working for vogue in new york city, were quickly abolished my freshman year of college when i took a trip to kenya. and after spending a month having so little and feeling so full, i knew i could never give myself over to jimmy choo's no matter how tempting. i had to spend the rest of my life loving the unlovable and interlocking hands with the forgotten.

and i am ecstatic to say that three years later, i am near graduating from the pop-christian bubble called lee university and have my first internship with an organization that does just that. my internship.

"may he grant you according to your hearts desire and fulfill all your purpose."
psalms 20:4.

watery days, watery paintings.

hellloooooo.
its three in the morning and i am nowhere near tired.
my class got canceled tomorrow. therefor, i have absolutely no responsibilities and have been wasting the latter part of the day on watercolor paintings, soy mistos and nylon.
and speaking of nylonmag, why on earth is lindsay lohan on the cover? since when did she ever become nylon-worthy, fashionable or semi-inspirational? hmmm....i think never.

i've been listening to mindy smith on repeat now for atleast three days.




"i need peace of mind and a hopeful heart.
to lose this rage and move out of the dark.
im not looking for rainbows or shooting stars.
just a peace of mind and a hopeful heart."
-mindy.

its love.

a few other notes for those of you as obsessed with online shopping as i am.
i mean hello, its rainy, i live in the middle of nowhere. i need some online shopping therapy.
and here are the two sites i am continuously mesmerized by:

bleubird vintage.

modcloth.

go look at them because i promise it will be love at first sight.
especially when you spot the bb dakota flowerprint sundress.

goodnight goodnight bffie loves.
chelsea.